1. you can’t keep running 2. you can’t stop running 3. it’s a rigged race
it’s something about the crisp air of January. nostlagia wrapped in possibility. a yearning for a pause. rewind. repeat. an anticipation for the unknown. unexpected. upcoming.
with every passing day, every passing year I realize life for what it really is — a good ol’ circus of chasing one milestone after next. stuck running back and forth between “is this it?” to “this is it!”
at moments like this when I feel rising internal chaos trying to make sense of my life I revert to my systematic understanding of how the world works. strictly from a Physics perspective and nothing feels quite as comforting as the Three laws of Thermodynamics. not because the laws offer any insights or solution to the ever growing chaos, on the contrary its a giant “f*ck you”. they simply offer a reality check: this is how things are. this is how things will be. and I should know better than to expect anything but. after all a glass half empty or half full, it breaks just the same.
So here it is; the three laws of T̶h̶e̶r̶m̶o̶d̶y̶n̶a̶m̶i̶c̶s̶ existence:
First Law: You can’t keep running
The first law is the Law of Conservation of Energy, which states energy can neither be created nor destroyed, merely transferred or transformed into matter. in other words: E = mc².
I have known from quite a young age, the thing that energizes me is time spent with myself; whether thats reading a book, watching a movie, writing, or going for a walk. its moments that do not require social engagement or time I do not have to account for to anybody.
it seems though, that the older I get the harder it is to just be. life is full of a never ending to-do list with nonsensical tasks like getting cash from the bank for the lawn mower and going to Walmart to buy tomatoes and getting my car serviced. then there’s the 9–5 with it’s own curated to-do list and for my case you add a business on top of that and now I’m adding file 1099s for my contractors, order supplies, update software on all the workstations on my to-do list as well.
I often catch myself referring to moments of solitude as “stealing time” for myself but the thing about theft is, it needs to be committed in secrecy and the items on my to-do lists don’t allow for that kind of luxury. they are persistent; front and center on my phone screen eyeing me down. a reminder that there just isn’t enough time in a day. and I am tired. so tired of putting energy into all this background noise allowing it to consume me whole. sometimes I worry i’ll reach the end of the movie and hate it only to realize it was because I was too distracted by the music of the soundtrack never paying attention to the actual dialogue.
and I cannot hate it, I must enjoy it. so I have no choice but to make a conscious effort to carve out time for myself by making my to-do list even longer with items like: take a bath, dance to your favorite song in front of the mirror, or drive yourself to a bakery to enjoy a créme brûlée instead of taking it to go.
because I cannot keep running.
Second Law: You can’t stop running
The second law of Thermodynamics, and the bane of all matter, Entropy. in other words, the tendency of all things to move towards chaos.
Entropy. the cause of my calendar filling up, my desk getting cluttered, my skin getting old, my bathroom dirty, my house plant withering. Entropy, a lifelong pursuit of bringing order to disorder.
how can I stop running when there’s just so much to be accomplished in so little time. so many opportunities to create and chase. so many books to read. so much money left to be made. so many people to keep in touch with. so many skills to develop. so many stories to tell.
with every passing day, i am dying and i am only just getting started. how can I afford to stop running.
Third Law: It’s a rigged race
Then there’s the third law of thermodynamics which i suppose could be comforting as it states entropy can be controlled as temperature approaches absolute 0 degrees. however, its exclusive to the properties of a closed system. and since I don’t live in a closed system, nothing on Earth does for that matter.. there goes that.
I am running a rigged race and I can’t stop running and I can’t keep running. I suppose that’s what life is; endlessly running between “is this it?” to “this is it!”
